Initially, I had this post semi-planned out while writing Part A, I closed Part A by leading into the topic of hope, which I planned to explain here why I chose to always rely on hope and where it comes from. But before I got the chance to sit down and hammer out my discourse on hope, something interesting and completely unexpected sent my day on a dangerous tailspin that may or may not have just taught me a lesson and has for sure completely changed my approach on the topic of hope.
A little over a month ago, I was not having much luck finding a job. I decided to apply to four positions at UVU, two of the jobs I was very qualified for and the other two I was very OVER qualified. I saw these applications as fall back plans in case I don't find another job, so that I can at least get some income flowing and not be forced to move back to my moms house because I couldn't make rent. Within the first week I got calls to go to two interviews at UVU, both of the jobs were good jobs that I could excited about. I felt like both interviews went really well and I fully expected to be getting two job offers pretty quickly.
Time went by and I got an e-mail from the other two jobs that I didn't get an interview for informing me that the position was offered to someone else and it was now closed. I didn't care, I had two good choices to chose from. More time went by and I got a second interview, which took place on Wednesday, with my top choice of the UVU jobs I applied for. I nailed it too! This interview was with my would-be boss and her and I seemed to hit it off well and she seemed to be acting excited about the possibilities of me coming to work with her. She told me that I would be hearing from them in a week or two so that UVU H.R. can do a reference and background check.
I never heard back from the other position but later saw online that it had closed. I was a little annoyed that they didn't even give me the professional courtesy of letting me know that they were going with another applicant but I shrugged it off because my top choice was still on the table and practically in the bag.
Today I got a phone call from a UVU number. I thought to myself, this must be about the job!
I answered the phone, "Hello".
"Hi Danny this is Sara from UVU, how are you today?" Sara works in the department that I would potentially be working in and she was in charge of the hiring process.
"She must be calling me to have me come in so they can offer me the job!" I thought to myself. My excitement was met by a surprise attack from my old friend disappointment when Sara went on to explain that for some reason plans had changed and the position that I was applying for was no longer going to exist. She sympathetically explained that I was their top choice of the candidates but unfortunately they wont be able to offer me a job.
This job was sort of my last hope. Since I have graduated I have applied for 67 jobs (many more if you date back to the couple of months leading to graduation). Of those 67+ applications I have received 3 legitimate interviews. Of those 3 interviews I have received 0 job offers. When I first hung up the phone with Sara I was consoled that I was justified in my feeling that I nailed the interviews... all for about 3 seconds. That consolation quickly turned to disappointment which manifested itself through anger! I haven't felt that pissed in a LONG time! The worst part was, I didn't even know who to be pissed at. I searched my mind for someone or something to blame all of these misfortunes on, but come up with nothing. I tried to turn it on myself and blame something I did or something I should have done better.
I sincerely don't know how I could have handled anything differently in my life that would have taken me down the path that avoided these disappointments. For the most part, I have made good decisions, I have worked hard, and no matter how bad things got or seemed, I maintained optimism and a positive attitude. But this was the last straw. I immediately thought about coming home and writing every negative thought and feeling down for this post. I probably would have if my mom didn't take me out to dinner and then to a movie.
PS Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, totally worth seeing!
Hanging with my mom helped distract me for a little bit. Later on in the evening I went and visited a close friend. We mostly talked about politics, history, and Young Women's Camp (that's where his wife was tonight, we're not perverts). We did talk about this job thing a little bit and he related a similar person experience and seemed confident enough that these disappointments will make more sense down the road. It wasn't so much of what he said that helped me find my hope again, I think it was more his faith in me that helps me believe in myself and look onward to the obstacles with a more resilient determination.
I originally planned to write this post to share some things that i've learned. Instead I learned that i'm still not sure how to deal with a lot of discouragement and disappointments. I think my old theory (by old theory I mean the theory I had up until today) was centered around overcoming adversity by creating a mentally tough environment in which a person remains hopeful through controlling their thoughts and actively trying to chose to have a hopeful outlook.
Today my view has changed. My new theory is that we can get through discouragement and disappointment and maintain hope by choosing to surround ourselves with good and positive friends and family that we can rely on to pick us up when we down. I don't think that "not being alone" means that you have somebody by your side through every life experience that you encounter; I think it means that when you need it most, you have someone that provides a little encouragement and reassurance. I guess I just learned that it's ok to rely on some people, it's not something i'm particularly good at, but I am starting to believe that it's something im just going to have to get over.
But what do I know? Honestly, it's probably some sort of combination between my old theory and my new one... Or it could be neither... I have no freakin clue.
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