Life, You're Such A Buzz Kill Sometimes! (Part B)

Initially, I had this post semi-planned out while writing Part A, I closed Part A by leading into the topic of hope, which I planned to explain here why I chose to always rely on hope and where it comes from. But before I got the chance to sit down and hammer out my discourse on hope, something interesting and completely unexpected sent my day on a dangerous tailspin that may or may not have just taught me a lesson and has for sure completely changed my approach on the topic of hope.

A little over a month ago, I was not having much luck finding a job. I decided to apply to four positions at UVU, two of the jobs I was very qualified for and the other two I was very OVER qualified. I saw these applications as fall back plans in case I don't find another job, so that I can at least get some income flowing and not be forced to move back to my moms house because I couldn't make rent. Within the first week I got calls to go to two interviews at UVU, both of the jobs were good jobs that I could excited about. I felt like both interviews went really well and I fully expected to be getting two job offers pretty quickly.

Time went by and I got an e-mail from the other two jobs that I didn't get an interview for informing me that the position was offered to someone else and it was now closed. I didn't care, I had two good choices to chose from. More time went by and I got a second interview, which took place on Wednesday, with my top choice of the UVU jobs I applied for. I nailed it too! This interview was with my would-be boss and her and I seemed to hit it off well and she seemed to be acting excited about the possibilities of me coming to work with her. She told me that I would be hearing from them in a week or two so that UVU H.R. can do a reference and background check.

I never heard back from the other position but later saw online that it had closed. I was a little annoyed that they didn't even give me the professional courtesy of letting me know that they were going with another applicant but I shrugged it off because my top choice was still on the table and practically in the bag.

Today I got a phone call from a UVU number. I thought to myself, this must be about the job!
I answered the phone, "Hello".
"Hi Danny this is Sara from UVU, how are you today?" Sara works in the department that I would potentially be working in and she was in charge of the hiring process.
"She must be calling me to have me come in so they can offer me the job!" I thought to myself. My excitement was met by a surprise attack from my old friend disappointment when Sara went on to explain that for some reason plans had changed and the position that I was applying for was no longer going to exist. She sympathetically explained that I was their top choice of the candidates but unfortunately they wont be able to offer me a job.

This job was sort of my last hope. Since I have graduated I have applied for 67 jobs (many more if you date back to the couple of months leading to graduation). Of those 67+ applications I have received 3 legitimate interviews. Of those 3 interviews I have received 0 job offers. When I first hung up the phone with Sara I was consoled that I was justified in my feeling that I nailed the interviews... all for about 3 seconds. That consolation quickly turned to disappointment which manifested itself through anger! I haven't felt that pissed in a LONG time! The worst part was, I didn't even know who to be pissed at. I searched my mind for someone or something to blame all of these misfortunes on, but come up with nothing. I tried to turn it on myself and blame something I did or something I should have done better.

I sincerely don't know how I could have handled anything differently in my life that would have taken me down the path that avoided these disappointments. For the most part, I have made good decisions, I have worked hard, and no matter how bad things got or seemed, I maintained optimism and a positive attitude. But this was the last straw. I immediately thought about coming home and writing every negative thought and feeling down for this post. I probably would have if my mom didn't take me out to dinner and then to a movie.

PS Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, totally worth seeing!

Hanging with my mom helped distract me for a little bit. Later on in the evening I went and visited a close friend. We mostly talked about politics, history, and Young Women's Camp (that's where his wife was tonight, we're not perverts). We did talk about this job thing a little bit and he related a similar person experience and seemed confident enough that these disappointments will make more sense down the road. It wasn't so much of what he said that helped me find my hope again, I think it was more his faith in me that helps me believe in myself and look onward to the obstacles with a more resilient determination.

I originally planned to write this post to share some things that i've learned. Instead I learned that i'm still not sure how to deal with a lot of discouragement and disappointments. I think my old theory (by old theory I mean the theory I had up until today) was centered around overcoming adversity by creating a mentally tough environment in which a person remains hopeful through controlling their thoughts and actively trying to chose to have a hopeful outlook.

Today my view has changed. My new theory is that we can get through discouragement and disappointment and maintain hope by choosing to surround ourselves with good and positive friends and family that we can rely on to pick us up when we down. I don't think that "not being alone" means that you have somebody by your side through every life experience that you encounter; I think it means that when you need it most, you have someone that provides a little encouragement and reassurance. I guess I just learned that it's ok to rely on some people, it's not something i'm particularly good at, but I am starting to believe that it's something im just going to have to get over.

But what do I know? Honestly, it's probably some sort of combination between my old theory and my new one... Or it could be neither... I have no freakin clue.

Life, You're Such A Buzz Kill Sometimes! (Part A)

As I have been searching for a job the past couple months, the feelings of frustrations and discouragement that accompany repetitive disappointments have become ever present in the cross-heirs of my life.

There's the big stuff... Dad passing away 7 months ago; dad not being there to see me graduate; dad not being around on holidays; zero respectable job offers to start a career with; countless job rejection e-mails; not ever hearing back from a company after an interview that seemed to go well; my inability to make the payments on my creditcards; areas I chose to place my blief, not delivering on promises; watching people I care about make poor decisions that will cause years, potentially decades, of unnecessary trials and emotional/spiritual repair.

And the smaller stuff... Seemingly promising potential dates falling through due to claimed illness or getting serious with another guy days before our date was to take place ("Danny, that's just bad timing, i'm sure that the girl was just uncertain of where she stood with the guy"

I would agree that it was bad timing, except this same reason came up 3 times in a month period by 3 girls with no affiliation to one another); coming within a midgets reach of advancing another week in my men's league softball tournament; my chap sticks disappearing from my pants pockets.

Like most people, when multiple things in life seem to all go wrong, I am inclined to question EVERYTHING! Nothing is off limits, my subconscious tells the other departments in my brain, "nothing is going right, you guys must not be doing your jobs correctly!" and so the metal analysis goes into hyperdrive to identify the decisions I have made incorrectly and areas where change may be beneficial. This approach causes anxiety and the portion of my brain that requires some stability panics and begins to get a strong grasp on any idea that hasn't been confiscated by the analysis.

If my decisions in education, religion, morals, opinions, socializing, and expectations are all under intense investigation, what is left for stability?

Answer: Not a whole lot. The only thing that feels safe to rely on is personal experience. What can I know other than what I have personally witnessed? If I have witnessed it, how can I know that my conclusions were A. Correct and B. the only viable conclusion? As the contrasting gobbles up the remaining data in the pool, the stability has little left to feast on causing it to become weak, unguarded, and defenseless.



The philosophical area of my brain that was previously in exile, hid patiently by the wayside, waiting for an opportunity to storm the gate and cause even the most basic of existential assumptions of what is real face the interrogation light.





In the past, this situation felt a little terrifying and caused a lack of self confidence. But this isn't my first rodeo, I have faced discouragement and disappointments enough times that this time I welcome the uncertainty of existence and lack of personal direction.



What's Different This Time?
In the past, I would become depressed when I felt I was without guidance or direction. This time, i'm not scared, I don't feel depressed. I once had a philosophy professor who related to having similar experiences that would cause him to go into deep depressions. He told me that this had continued to happen until he met his wife who is an extremely loving women who he cares very deeply for. He said that he no longer loses himself in philosophical thought because whenever he feels himself start to go down that road, he can focus on the love he has for his wife and the love she has for him and that is more important to him than anything. He feels it so greatly that it doesn't matter to him whether that experience is real or not because he doesn't want anything more than that love.

Now some might say that a real philosopher would only want to know the truth even if it wasn't beneficial for his perception of existence, but maybe that is why this professor works for UVU instead of an Ivy League University. For me personally though, I am not a philosopher, I don't have to devote my life to answering all the questions, so for me his advice was extremely helpful. While I am not married nor have I loved anyone to the extent that he was describing, I thought about it a little and recognized that it wasn't just a feeling that kept him grounded, it was that he made the concept of "love" and absolute truth for himself. No matter what questions he was faced with, he could always rely on "love" to be stable and immovable in his life.

So How Do You Overcome Disappointment?
I think the way to overcome times of disappointment and discouragement is by finding a perceived absolute truth in your life that you know you can turn to be stable and unquestionable. For example, in the movie Inception the only way they could be certain that they were not in somebody else's dream was if they had a totem, a detailed object that nobody knew the complete look or feel of. If they wanted to be certain they were not living in a dream, they would check their totem and would then know without doubt. Much like the effect of the totem, a perceived absolute truth will help you regain focus and give you a place to start.

For me, I do not have that love that my philosophy professor has to rely on, but what I do have access to is hope

What If Having Hope For Something Is The Very Thing That Caused Disappointment In The First Place?

It's true that you can't really be disappointed if you didn't have hope to begin with. But there are two different types of hope.
1. Hope that brings excitement to life.
2. Hope that brings meaning to life.
The hope that helps bring meaning to life will not disappoint. Tune in to part B of this two part post for more on hope.

INSPIRATIONS FOR THIS POST: Angela Baranowski, Professor Chris Foster, Ben Larson, Terri Baranowski, Eric Baranowski